The App Store Game

Jan 6, 2018
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BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, This is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Peter Sagal.

(APPLAUSE)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. Now you might think 2017 was a disappointment, but that's only because you didn't hear some really amazing things we did on this show. And you didn't hear them because we never got around to broadcasting them.

KURTIS: That ends today - first, some more radio high jinks from a second secret show we did in Seattle in December.

Clearance Rack At The App Store.

SAGAL: If you're doing your holiday shopping at the App Store, you've got lots of choices. You are also a terrible gift giver.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But to help you narrow it down, we're going to ask each of you about some very real apps. We'll give you some choices. You tell us what it actually does. Do that, you get a point. Ready to do this? OK.

ADAM FELBER: Yeah.

SAGAL: Adam, the first app we have for you is called...

KURTIS: I Am Rich.

SAGAL: Is the I Am Rich app A, an app that automatically links your bank balance of the moment to any selfie or B, an app that does absolutely nothing but costs $1,000?

FELBER: It does nothing and costs a thousand dollars.

SAGAL: That's exactly right.

(APPLAUSE)

HELEN HONG: What?

SAGAL: At least six people have downloaded this useless app for $1,000.

HONG: No.

FELBER: Whoever made that app...

SAGAL: Six-thousand dollars richer for nothing.

FELBER: Yeah. That's great. I love it.

ALONZO BODDEN: Whoever made that app's going to be paying less in taxes next year.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Helen, next app is...

KURTIS: Pet Baby.

SAGAL: Helen, does the Pet Baby app A, give you instructions on how to pet your baby or B, create a composite photo of your pet and your baby?

HONG: Oh, it's got to be composite photo.

SAGAL: That's exactly right.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: I mean, I would pay for that app.

FELBER: No doubt.

HONG: I don't even have a baby or a pet.

SAGAL: Alonzo, we found an app that helps parents of teenagers. Does it A, translate to their grunts into human language...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Or B, broadcast high-pitched noises just to annoy them?

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: I'm going to go with B also.

SAGAL: You're right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Best thing - because of how the human ear ages, they can hear the annoying high-pitched tones from the Annoy A Teen app but you can't.

FELBER: Oh.

HONG: Wow.

FELBER: Brill.

SAGAL: Isn't that great?

FELBER: Yeah.

SAGAL: Adam, there is one app that turns the phone itself into a useful tool. Is it A, Pocket Heat, which overloads your phone's processor, heating it up so you can use as a hand warmer or B, iShim (ph), which measures which leg of your restaurant table you need to put your phone under to keep it from rocking?

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: It's got to be Pocket Heat.

SAGAL: It is Pocket Heat.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Helen, there's one app that helps you in social relationships. Which is it? A, Try Harder, an app which detects when anyone says there's an app for that as if it's still funny and immediately unfriends them or B, an app called Islendingabok, an app for Icelanders which determines if you're related to someone you just met so you don't sleep with your cousin?

(LAUGHTER)

HONG: It's got to be the Iceland one.

SAGAL: That's exactly right.

(APPLAUSE)

HONG: Wait, are they literally all related to each other?

SAGAL: So that's a real thing. It's a real thing. There's only about half a million people who live in Iceland, and they're all related to each other. So the question is - how close are you?

FELBER: No, the question Islendingabok.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.