Prior to the pandemic I used to visit WAMC’s studios every week to record my commentary. Then the lockdown hit and I started recording from home on my phone. I’ve done so ever since because nobody objected. I suspect that has less to do with the quality of the sound than because if somebody is going to complain it’s going to be about the substance of the work and the twists and turns of my damaged soul.
By the way, I’m recording this column at WAMC. I do so whenever I have to be in Albany and I don’t have to be in Albany that often. I’ve got nothing against the state’s capital. Blue state capitals, and I predict red state capitals in not too long, will become American democracy’s front line. As the federal government descends further into chaos and dysfunction places like Albany, Augusta, Annapolis, Austin and Juneau will remain relative oases of responsibility and efficiency. Well, maybe not Austin.
No, the main reason I need to be in Albany, need being a relative term, is to visit my favorite discount liquor store. And now with tariffs kicking in — as I write President Trump is threatening 200 percent tariffs on alcohol from Europe, but by the time this airs it could be a thousand percent or zero percent or something in between — I’m rushing over before my favorite elixirs are priced out of reach.
My long suffering friend Howard and I send news links back and forth all day. This one from The Onion perhaps says it best: “Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression.”
I’m also reminded several times a week of Woody Allen’s film Bananas where Esposito, the new power mad Fidel Castro-style leader of San Marcos, announces, “…all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check.” I change my underwear regularly. Still, I’m not going to take any chances.
Trying to anticipate our president’s next move is a fool’s game since I doubt that he has any idea what he’s going to do. But I have a question. Again, it may have been answered by the time this commentary airs. Mr. Trump is threatening tariffs on wines and liquor from the European Union. But Great Britain isn’t an EU country — remember Brexit? — and that’s the only foreign nation I care about because, forgive me if I sound self-involved, the most expensive alcohol product I purchase is single-malt whiskey from Scotland.
I hope that the Trump administration quickly offers clarity about whether its edict also includes the highlands since the President’s initiatives don’t necessarily apply to friends and family and doesn’t the president own a golf course in Aberdeen? Fingers crossed.
Mind you, I don’t spend all that much money on intoxicants. You’d have to stick needles under my nails to get me to pay much more than sixty bucks for a bottle of 12-year Highland single malt (and a less expensive bottle of peaty 10-year Laphroaig works just fine.) But who knows where and when this trade war ends? I don’t remember much about escalation theory — even though I was a Poly Sci major in college — except that it can quickly grow out of control and result in violence and even war.
I’m reasonably confident that’s not going to happen when what’s at stake is French champagne and Aperol from Italy. If we’re going to go to war it will probably be over something much more sensible and well-considered such as Greenland or the Canadian tundra.
Vodka, my other major foreign food group, worries me less. Since I can’t tell the difference between one vodka and another I usually buy the least expensive brand I can find within reason. And by reason I mean that the bottle is pretty. I’m perfectly content to imbibe Smirnoff. Despite its suspiciously Russian sounding name, it’s currently owned by a British company and manufactured in the United States.
But looking on the sunny side of life for a brief moment: now that Russia is our ally perhaps we’ll benefit by having access to Russian vodka at the Kremlin employee discount. Also, I’m eager to try Pyongyang Soju, North Korea’s popular rice and corn based liquor, though popular primarily on the North Korean peninsula; as well as Taedonggang, their state-owned beer. Then again isn’t everything in North Korea state-owned?
The big question is how long this madness will continue? Will it be over in a matter of weeks or should I be stockpiling for the next four years? Should I be buying by the bottle or by the case? I typically transition from scotch to vodka come spring and since I’m not much of a wine drinker — I know, it’s a character flaw — I’m not losing sleep over these tariffs. There are are far more pressing concerns, such as my 401K, depleting my stockpile of lorazepam.
Then again, my wife consumes wine and I doubt I’m going to get her to quit anytime soon. Cocktail hour, escapist literature and our grandchildren are about all she has to look forward to these days.
Ralph Gardner Junior is a journalist who divides his time between New York City and Columbia County. More of his work can be found in the Berkshire Eagle and on Substack.
The views expressed by commentators are solely those of the authors. They do not necessarily reflect the views of this station or its management.
